Are You Suffering From Barack-Sarah-Hillary Confusion Syndrome?

I was having headaches, and my brain constantly felt like it was spinning around in my skull.  So I visited my doctor this morning.  The doctor asked me a few questions, and then nodded.

“You’re suffering from Barack-Sarah-Hillary Confusion Syndrome.  I’ve been getting cases since last Friday.”  He chucked.  “At this rate, I’ll be able to retire early.”

I didn’t know what it was, but it sounded really bad.  “Is it serious?” I asked.

“Well, a couple of patients’ heads actually exploded.  They were trying to reconcile too many contradictions.”

The word “contradictions” combined with “Hillary,”  “Sarah,” and Barack,” and suddenly my symptoms returned.

“I know it can be painful,” the doctor said.  “Try not to think about anything.”

I tried to clear my head of all rational thought, and the pain and dizziness slowly subsided.

Then the doctor ran off a litany of the issues that were causing my symptoms:

“Michelle Obama deciding to be a working mother was good, but Sarah Palin deciding to be a working mother is bad.

Barack Obama’s mother having a baby at age 18 was good, but Sarah Palin’s 17-year old daughter having a baby is bad.

Barack Obama leaving his children to hit the campaign trail for 19 months was good, but Sarah Palin leaving her children to hit the campaign trail for a couple of months is bad.

Breaking through the “glass ceiling” with a pro-choice running mate would have been good, but breaking through the glass ceiling with a pro-life candidate is bad.

Barack Obama’s lack of foreign policy experience is good, but Sarah Palin’s lack of foreign policy experience is bad.

Barack Obama serving for three years as a community organizer was good, but Sarah Palin serving for six years as a mayor is bad.

And Barack Obama refusing to allow the Born Alive Infant Protection Act to come up for a vote in order to prevent a Down Syndrome baby from being abandoned to slowly die in a storeroom was good, but Sarah Palin choosing to deliver a Down Syndrome baby to term even though she knew her baby would be developmentally disabled is bad.”

Your mind just can’t accept all the mutual contradictions.”

My symptoms had returned full force.  Too many contradictions.  “Is there anything you can do for me?”

“There’s only one cure, but I don’t think you’ll like it.”

I was desperate.  “What is it?”

“I can sever all the neural connections to and from your prefrontal cortex.”

I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I knew it didn’t sound good.  “Isn’t that like a lobotomy?” I asked.  “How on earth will that possibly help me?”

The doctor shrugged.  “It will turn you into a Democrat.  And then all those logical contradictions – no matter how severe – will just simply fade away.”

Anyway, if I seem a bit surly in my comments, it’s because I’ve got this terrible headache and I’m dizzy all the time.

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