Does this mean that Obama’s Secret Service detail has handed in their Uzis for pairs of scissors? I sure hope they’re those safety scissors with the dull tips. You sure wouldn’t want anybody accidentally putting an eye out while fighting to save Obama’s life, would you?
Under Obama, you have the right to perish miserably in the wake of workplace violence. The story you are about to read is silent testimony to the fact that a crazed killer is out to murder you and your co-workers, you can’t have an actual weapon to protect yourself with – and there won’t be any cops coming anywhere NEAR in time to help you. So grab your scissors.
And maybe you could grab a rock and a piece of paper and play with the murdering psycho for your life?
I know, I know. That’s racist. Thank you, President Hussein. Praise you, messiah! I feel so empowered with my scissors now. While I’m waiting for my turn to be slaughtered I’ll be able to make arts and crafts! Origami always did make me forget all about being gunned down by, you know, the only guy allowed to have a gun in your building.
Oh, origami doesn’t use scissors? That’s okay; NEITHER DO I WHEN I’M CONFRONTING A MAN WITH A GUN.
I actually think it would have been a better idea to teach people to just give in to their terror and wet themselves. Maybe the gunman would slip or something.
From the New York Post:
Homeland Security has advice for confronting mass murders: scissors
By S.A. MILLER | January 31, 2013
WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman? No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!
That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.
“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.
The video, titled “Options for Consideration,” also advises that people who get caught in an “active shooter” situation should run away, hide under a desk or take cover out of the line of fire.
Thank goodness we have highly paid professionally trained bureaucrats available to give us great advice like that. This is right up their with the DHS’ advice about stretching before shoveling snow, and remembering to take off cold wet clothes.
The nearly four-minute-long video opens with chilling scenes from the 2007 Virginia Tech massacre, the 2009 mass shooting at Fort Hood in Texas, and the 2011 attempted assassination of Gabrielle Giffords.
But the video quickly shifts to hokey footage of office workers scampering under desks, crouching in corners and racing into closets to hide from a rampaging gunman on the loose.
“To protect your hiding place, lock the door if you can. Block the door with heavy furniture,” recommends the male narrator, speaking in measured, authoritative tones.
Other survival strategies promoted in the video include hiding “behind large items such as cabinets or desks. Remain quiet. Silence your cellphone or pager. Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position.”
They might also recommend taking down any ‘gun free zone’ signs.
Richard Feldman, president of the Independent Firearm Owners Association, said he has a better option for consideration than a pair of scissors when confronting an armed mass murderer — a legal firearm.
“That’s why I prefer a gun, and I usually do carry a gun when it is lawful to do so,” said Feldman. “Clearly, you use whatever you can” to fight for your life, he said…
What kind of crazy talk is that? We hold Mr. Feldman’s doctor contacts the authorities so that he can be put away.
The video is part of the Obama administration’s ongoing campaign to reduce firearm violence in the wake of the horrific mass murder last month of 20 children and six teachers in Newtown, Conn., said a Homeland Security official…
The video was released to coincide with President Obama’s sweeping proposals to curb gun violence in America, said the official…
The only trouble is, all the scissors in that Sandy Hook school would have been ‘safety scissors.’
Besides, once people starting hurting each other with scissors, they will have to be banned as well.
Nobody with one of the 400 million guns already in America will ever dare to attack my workplace now. I’m armed with scissors.
Now, I guess all I need is to figure out how to do this:
Mind you, I’d kind of rather have a gun. For one thing, judging by all the scars on poor Edward’s face, it would be quite a bit safer than the alternative pair of scissors that Obama says I can fight back with. But because I live in the Obama States of America, I am now a farm animal. And if the slaughterer comes, it is my duty to meekly comply with my turn to be slaughtered.
Wait a minute, what’s that, Obama? I can’t have these scissors? Because they’ve been classified as “assault scissors”? Well, dang. That just figures.