Obama DHS: You Have A Right To Defend Yourselves From Armed Workplace Crazies With Scissors (But Not Guns)

Does this mean that Obama’s Secret Service detail has handed in their Uzis for pairs of scissors?  I sure hope they’re those safety scissors with the dull tips.  You sure wouldn’t want anybody accidentally putting an eye out while fighting to save Obama’s life, would you?

Under Obama, you have the right to perish miserably in the wake of workplace violence.  The story you are about to read is silent testimony to the fact that a crazed killer is out to murder you and your co-workers, you can’t have an actual weapon to protect yourself with – and there won’t be any cops coming anywhere NEAR in time to help you.  So grab your scissors.

And maybe you could grab a rock and a piece of paper and play with the murdering psycho for your life?

I know, I know.  That’s racist.  Thank you, President Hussein.  Praise you, messiah!  I feel so empowered with my scissors now.  While I’m waiting for my turn to be slaughtered I’ll be able to make arts and crafts!  Origami always did make me forget all about being gunned down by, you know, the only guy allowed to have a gun in your building.

Oh, origami doesn’t use scissors?  That’s okay; NEITHER DO I WHEN I’M CONFRONTING A MAN WITH A GUN.

I actually think it would have been a better idea to teach people to just give in to their terror and wet themselves.  Maybe the gunman would slip or something.

DHS Says: Confront Mass Killers With Scissors

From the New York Post:

Homeland Security has advice for confronting mass murders: scissors

By S.A. MILLER | January 31, 2013

WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman? No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!

That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.

“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.

The video, titled “Options for Consideration,” also advises that people who get caught in an “active shooter” situation should run away, hide under a desk or take cover out of the line of fire.

Thank goodness we have highly paid professionally trained bureaucrats available to give us great advice like that. This is right up their with the DHS’ advice about stretching before shoveling snow, and remembering to take off cold wet clothes.

The nearly four-minute-long video opens with chilling scenes from the 2007 Virginia Tech massacre, the 2009 mass shooting at Fort Hood in Texas, and the 2011 attempted assassination of Gabrielle Giffords.

But the video quickly shifts to hokey footage of office workers scampering under desks, crouching in corners and racing into closets to hide from a rampaging gunman on the loose.

“To protect your hiding place, lock the door if you can. Block the door with heavy furniture,” recommends the male narrator, speaking in measured, authoritative tones.

Other survival strategies promoted in the video include hiding “behind large items such as cabinets or desks. Remain quiet. Silence your cellphone or pager. Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position.”

They might also recommend taking down any ‘gun free zone’ signs.

Richard Feldman, president of the Independent Firearm Owners Association, said he has a better option for consideration than a pair of scissors when confronting an armed mass murderer — a legal firearm.

“That’s why I prefer a gun, and I usually do carry a gun when it is lawful to do so,” said Feldman. “Clearly, you use whatever you can” to fight for your life, he said…

What kind of crazy talk is that? We hold Mr. Feldman’s doctor contacts the authorities so that he can be put away.

The video is part of the Obama administration’s ongoing campaign to reduce firearm violence in the wake of the horrific mass murder last month of 20 children and six teachers in Newtown, Conn., said a Homeland Security official…

The video was released to coincide with President Obama’s sweeping proposals to curb gun violence in America, said the official…

The only trouble is, all the scissors in that Sandy Hook school would have been ‘safety scissors.’

Besides, once people starting hurting each other with scissors, they will have to be banned as well.

Nobody with one of the 400 million guns already in America will ever dare to attack my workplace now.  I’m armed with scissors.

Now, I guess all I need is to figure out how to do this:

Edward Scissorhands

Mind you, I’d kind of rather have a gun.  For one thing, judging by all the scars on poor Edward’s face, it would be quite a bit safer than the alternative pair of scissors that Obama says I can fight back with.  But because I live in the Obama States of America, I am now a farm animal.  And if the slaughterer comes, it is my duty to meekly comply with my turn to be slaughtered.

Wait a minute, what’s that, Obama?  I can’t have these scissors?  Because they’ve been classified as “assault scissors”?  Well, dang.  That just figures.

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11 Responses to “Obama DHS: You Have A Right To Defend Yourselves From Armed Workplace Crazies With Scissors (But Not Guns)”

  1. Dog Walker Says:

    Dang, dude, are you sleeping ok? Timestamp I see on this is 5.00am and I think you are in an earlier time zone than me. I gotta admit I am having some sleeplessness due to the changes I see coming.

    School district where I am is entertaining the notion from our immigrant community that the front office of schools should have a Spanish speaker at the front desk. You know, so the immigrant can feel as though she is in a non-threatening environment.

  2. Anna Bennett Says:


    Scissors,rock,paper, I laughed so hard I had tears.

    So the Garbage man wants us to use scissors, We all know where his brains are don’t we?

    Just how stupid does he thing we are?

    I have said it since 2008,he is a raciest prejudice American Hating Bigot.

    I dare any one to prove to me that I am wrong.

  3. Michael Eden Says:

    Anna Bennett,

    Just how stupid does Obama thing we are?

    Well, stupid enough for enough of us to vote for him that he could be pharaoh for another four years.

    If you accept that Darwinian evolution is true (which I most certainly don’t), there comes the problem of mind and intelligence that corresponds to the outside world. An atheist evolutionist expressed in her “four f’s of evolution” that evolution only equipped us for fleeing,fighting, feeding and reproduction. Evolution has nothing whatsoever to do with intelligence and it certainly has nothing to do with accurately comprehending the world around us. If all matter combined by mere chance, unguided by any Intelligent Designer, then it necessarily follows that the molecules of the human brain are also just the product of mere chance. In other words, we think the way we do simply because the atoms and molecules of our brain tissue happen to have combined in the way they have. The only way out of that box is to postulate God.

    Without God, we are mindless, stupid farm animals. And by “farm animals” I mean the kind we slaughter for food.

    That is how man without God ultimately acts – dumber than a chicken.

    Obama is banking on godless man to make godless choices. And Obama is THE godless choice.

    He was smart enough to assume that this last generation before the Antichrist would vote wickedly and stupidly, and he was right.

    And, of course, why does a cow just about to be slaughtered by his handlers think about defending itself? In Obama’s mind, neither should we.

    If we vote like farm animals we ought to be herded around like farm animals and allowed to be slaughtered like farm animals.

    It’s all very logical by Obama’s mindset.

    The only thing wrong with Obama’s view is the issue as to how HE and his liberal bureaucratic elite aren’t ALSO farm animals. How is it that Obama isn’t as mindless and deserving of slaughter as the rest of us are?

    That’s the mistake that all Darwinists make, of course: human beings evolved and are mindless, soulless cousins of monkeys who need government to herd and control them. Except for them.

  4. Michael Eden Says:

    Dog Walker,

    Actually, I have a fairly hard time sleeping.

    If I wake up early – no matter HOW early – I’m usually UP for the duration. Can’t go back to sleep, so I just hit the day. And then usually peter out by early evening.

    I think if they’re going to have a Spanish speaker at the front desk they should also have speakers of every other language who get to have front desks, too. If they’re going to kowtow to Hispanics the least they can do is kowtow to the Yaghan. Because you never know when a Yaghan might suddenly walk in, do you?

    I’d sure hate to have a Yaghan walk into a school and not feel that he or she was in a non-threatening environment.

    Who knows? Maybe if we’d employed that argument – loudly demanded that all races and languages be equally included and then demonized Democrats as pro-Mexican racists who are bigoted against all the other people-groups and languages – we wouldn’t be so screwed now.

  5. Dog Walker Says:

    Sometimes I think I got sleeping problems because I am a bit too tightly wrapped with issues and current events. But waking up eyes wide open at 3.00 am isn’t really always bad. Thursday I woke up sleepless and decided to drive for three hours. Took my wife’s hatchback. It gets like 40 mpg. But here is where I ended up. One of my best days.

  6. Michael Eden Says:

    Dog Walker,

    That is one ancient choo-choo.

    Pretty shot of the snowy forest.

    It’s not quite as green in the desert I live in. But pictures of sage brush and sand are real pretty, too. Right?

    Usually when I wake up early I’ll either get some reading done or get some writing done. So rather than driving around in a car to the mountains I’m driving around a bunch of words.

  7. Dog Walker Says:

    Mil levy election is today. They did not publish the location or locations where that voting is going to be. So I will go to a school and say, “isn’t there supposed to be an election here today?” The clerk will say “no not at this school.” I will say do you know what school it is at?”

    Anyway, this whole thing ends in me saying bad words and a school employee calling the cops because she felt it to be the right thing to do on encountering an angry man at a school. … Then the cops will come over and say “do you have any guns in your house?” Because that is what they have to do whenever they think of someone emotionally unstable.

    It was only a dream.

  8. Michael Eden Says:

    There was a movie I remember called “Missing in Action 2: The Beginning.

    Anyway, one of the POWs has a way of mouthing off and getting beaten by the guards. And he asks Col Braddock for advice. And Braddock says something like, “Before I say open my mouth I think about if what I’m going to say is worth getting hit over.”

    It’s not a bad rule to follow, even when you’re not an MIA soldier in a Vietnamese hellhole.

  9. Dog Walker Says:

    heh! point taken.

  10. Michael Eden Says:

    In Iran the only people who have a right to bear arms are the gangs of Muslim thugs who go around beating women who violate shariah law.

  11. Anna Bennett Says:

    Michael Eden, “Missing in Action 2: Isn’t that the one where Stallone’s Character went to Vietnam & rescued the soldier from the hellhole that they were being held in?
    Or was it the 1st Missing in Action?

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